Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I’ve ever known…..

Well here I go again! After a long stretch I drank after work yesterday. I definitely over drank. I can’t handle much when I take time periods off. I mean I woke up for work this am and felt “off.” Not too bad but my actions yesterday were off kilter.

1. When a very controversial sis in law confronted me about why my senior doesn’t have college plans yet and I tried to explain….she insisted it’s a must. Not your kid, not your decision. You don’t even know her hardly. I would have stayed more calm if I didn’t have 2 drinks in me. Period. I thought about it and later went up to her and said “Can we agree to disagree?” She said yes and that was that. I did be the better person. Being older sucks. 😂😂😂 ( BTW My in-laws had a cook out, that’s where this happened. )

2. I came home and called my parents. They love to hear from me! I agreed to a trip 5 hours away to visit my Great Aunt who is 90. Now this had been talked about for awhile, but alcohol pulled the trigger. Also-I had to look at my phone log to even see what time I called them. Just not okay on any level. BUT will be a good weekend trip with my parents and Great Aunt. My parents are in their late 70’s so I am looking forward to bonding time with me and just them.

3. I worked my ass off yesterday morning and the lady dropped off my pay in my garage while I was at the cook out. I appreciated that as it was cash. Yeah well I can’t figure out where the hell I put it! Really? Well that will be a nice find someday! 🙄🙁

4. I had a long task of things to do after that cook out. I DID do them all! OH BUT THERE’S A CATCH!! I don’t remember doing many of those tasks. I see they got done but can’t physically remember doing them. So dumb. Embarrassing actually.

5. I woke up to my 5:30am alarm, in bed with my day clothes still on. 4 stiff drinks made this entire shit show happen.

So…..thought I’d share the train wreck that I am. Well all I can do is build myself back up! I honestly can’t say I won’t drink again. I just keep making progress and I’m good with doing just that.

Anyone have any tips? I think I need new goals. My dog and horse have passed within a short time span. My only daughter at home now has a boyfriend, she’s a senior. I’m left with a lot of alone time after work. Also my job is a lot of alone time as well. My head spins. My husband got unlimited cell data so I can finally now listen to pod casts and music and such. I’m thinking of making actual write down goal list? Being just in my head, it’s easy to erase.

Anyway, thanks for reading and always your support no matter how awesomely good I’m doing and how awesomely bad I’m doing! I appreciate I can share with you all. ❤️

3.

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Sobriety and a horse…

I thought I’d share my link between my horse and sobriety. When we got him, just over 6 years ago I was drinking daily. I leave the house about 8 AM every morning for work. Doing morning horse chores had to be done before then. I was usually outside around 6:30 to 7:15 AM doing daily morning chores. I’m sure you can imagine I wasn’t feeling the greatest every morning and would go over and go through the motions every day. Just clouding through them.

I started to realize I liked being outside in the mornings. And I didn’t want to just go through the motions. I wanted to love everything about being outside. This horse was the catalyst in the stopping of my daily drinking. He made my mornings the staple of my day. Being outside when nobody else really is, so it’s just you and your horse and nature. I love listening to the birds chirp the wind blow maybe a little rain falling on the leaves. Fall here is beautiful when the leaves change on the trees. I absolutely LOVE being up for each morning sunrise! I love petting and grooming my horse and watching him so happy to get out in the pastures and eat the morning grass. It usually has a little bit of dew on it, which makes it a little moist. Just all these little things completely made my mornings. And we all know you cannot fully enjoy them all if you had had any part of drinking the night before.

As I’ve said in previous blogs it took me a long time to get where I am now. I honestly don’t think I ever would have started this without him. He essentially gave me back a huge part of my life. I do still drink here and there but I continue to make progress and I do not drink daily anymore.

So, I thought I’d share just one of the reasons why I absolutely love and miss my horse. Thanks so much for reading!! ❤️ 🐴 ❤️

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I’m still here…just heartbroken.❤️

Well I am still here, just going through my days numb and sad. I miss my Gray horse so much!! 😢

Ever had a Thoroughbred horse on your shoulder? ❤️
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For those that care….

Really having a bad night. Tomorrow my magnificent Gray horse will be put down. A part of me wants to die as well. I know I’m doing the right thing, but that doesn’t make things easier.

For those that don’t know he has Melanomas from head to toe, wrapping around his stomach. He is 28 and our crap winters are rough. He also has multiple leg injuries from being a champion jumper that now are sore and arthritic.

His will to live is gone. It’s hard to see.

Just hating today knowing about tomorrow.

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Little ol’ lady

“Picture it Sicily, 1922..” Oh wait that’s a Golden Girls Sofia quote. Oh how I do love me some Golden Girls though, Rose is my favorite. Anyway….

Last night I was sitting on the couch at 9:00pm with my National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation pajamas on, fleece blanket, a ration of wheat thins, tea and my “Happy Fiber” supplement I put in my tea. I felt like a little ol’ lady. 😂 🦯 ( That’s supposed to be my cane. 🤷‍♀️😂 )

However I wasn’t drinking and super content. I call that a win. 🏆 No matter how far you are with the struggle with alcohol, my advice is to always try to remind yourself how far you have come!

Side note: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is one of my favorite movies and I belly laugh at certain scenes each time I watch it. I can recite way more of this movie than most. 🤓 I love Aunt Bethany and one of my favorite scenes is when she says grace, but actually recites the Pledge of Allegiance. 😂

That’s all the randomness I’ve got for ya this morning! Have a great day! ❤️

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I’ve been in a funk…

I was just telling Claire ( Clairei47 ) that I’ve been off and on in a bit of a funk lately. I think it’s because my animals are starting to pass or have passed recently, one daughter back to college, one a senior. I also feel like yuck. Been working LOTS and haven’t been working out. My facial skin complexion is yuck with some acne. Like really acne at almost 48 years old? 🙄

As far as animals, my sweet doggie passed a year ago and I still say good morning to her every morning. She was ( and still is ) our families best friend for 14 years. One of my bunnies has passed, my little Betta fish passed, my other bunny was acting funny Sunday but has come around so far…..and by far the hardest is my wonderful huge Gray Thoroughbred has to be put down in a couple weeks. My horse is a senior retired champion jumper, living his retirement years with us. He’s had injuries before us and just to shorten things up overall, arthritis has set in and his joints can’t take another winter. He has melanoma cancer inside his body from head to toe, wrapping all around in his belly. He literally has a huge bump on his forehead and then little bumps coming out his bum and tail. He has trouble standing on one foot when getting his hooves trimmed. He has lost a lot of his spunk and is lame. So anyway, he’s on a doctor prescribed medicine to keep him comfortable and enjoying his summer. That he has but everyday I spend with him I sadly know we are doing the right thing. We want to bury him in the pasture he loves the most and to be here with us.

My doggie a year before she passed.
He’s so funny at times! ❤️

Also my moms bird passed away. He was 26 years old. We watching him a lot and he loved my doggie so mom and dad asked if he could be buried in my doggies memorial garden. I dug that hole last week and we said goodbye to good Ol’ Leo.

Bad pic as everything is winding down here plant wise but my doggie is up by the roses and Leo the bird is by the red flowers by the heart rock.
My bunny!
Oh and I also have goldfish!! ❤️😂 Have to love all the pets I say yes to and then they get older and go to college! Mom’s now taking care of them. ❤️

All things are changing yet I will continue to remember my time with them is priceless. I love all my animals and I have a good relationship with my daughters which I cherish also. All in all it’s been quite a whirlwind the last 20 years but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Thanks for reading friends!! 😍🙌🏻

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Tomorrow

I had such a good day and then everything went to fuckery. I don’t even care to explain but I’m going to bed early to wake up with a more sound mind. I didn’t drink, oh I wanted to. Tomorrow is a new day and I look forward to my 5am alarm. ✅

Goodnight my friends and THANK YOU! 😍

UPDATE: The early bedtime did the trick. 😊

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WP reader problem…

Hidy-Ho friends! I have a quick question. I check my reader for new blogs every morning. A lot of times it searches but no new blogs come up. I then figure there is none. Then later in the day when I check again new blogs come in and some say they they are a day old. I’m not sure why this is happening, but it has for the last couple months. By the time I get to comment to someone it’s been quite awhile.

Anyone else having this problem? I love my WP friends and don’t want to always be lagging in support and conversation. You guys are always there for me! 🥰

Thank you!!! 😘

Jackie

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Long post about us Gingers…

A lot of people think gingers are Scottish, but that’s not the case. It may be true that Scots boast 13% of the population having red hair, with Ireland having a delectable 10%, but our gingerness comes from unexpected climes.

Red hair actually derived from Africa over 50,000 years ago, as a reaction to settling in northern Europe.

Historically, redheads were thought to be conceived out of “unclean” sex. And of course, interesting nicknames were created to remind us of this myth (i.e. tampon top). That’s real friggin’ nice.

And we can’t forget the idea that many redheads were thought to be witches around 1400-1600. Simply having red hair was enough cause to be put to death during the witch trials. Ginger traits such as freckles and moles were also seen as “marks of the devil” and signs of satanic connections.

Ahh, then there’s the remark that every redhead has heard at least once in their life: “Redheads have no souls.” Special mention here to South Park for making this myth virtually indestructible. Check out the below clip!

I could go on and on. Now I have been out of high school for 30 years but my experience in school made me hate my red hair. I was also a very shy girl and took everything to heart. I had to change schools in 7th grade. New school people were not very nice. I went to school one day in my first week and there was a note on my locker that said “You can stick your red hair in your red ass.” Like I said I was so shy it crushed me. There’s no way I could have upset anyone I thought. Then there was a math teacher that I swear never learned my name, she called me Red and said it very loudly. I hated that. So many boys would ask me “Hey does the carpet match the drapes?” Again I was shy and wanted to run and hide. I also even had to ask someone what that even meant. 🤓 Then there’s the white skin that won’t tan. I found out quick no wearing shorts to school or everyone would pick on my white legs.

I also had horrible acne. Went to a dermatologist it was so bad and she said redheads do have more acne…specifically hormonal acne. ( I totally understood that! 🤣)

Anyway, I would go home and dream of dark brown hair. I always have thought that hair color is so pretty. I tried dying it with such bad results, ending up in tears. One time I had to get my hair stripped and recolored the closest they had to a ginger because I messed it up so much. I then got a perm, that didn’t help at all, now it’s kinky curly and red. Ugh. Next I went to wigs.

Soooooo fast forward to about 22years old I got my first tattoo. I then decided that if I felt different by my hair, let’s embrace it all over. I have 2 half sleeves, full chest piece, back, lots on my legs….just a lot. 😂 Then I’d say close to 30 years old I started to embrace my hair.

Society started to embrace gingers and we started popping up in commercials and people would mention what a pretty hair color I had. Others were coloring their hair red…Guys stopped picking on me and started to like my red hair….

Fast forward again to present day. I LOVE my red hair. I LOVE being a little different! I’m quite different inside and out I have learned, and I’m comfortable with that. I still get pimples though at 48 years old. Guess those hormones haven’t left! 😂

Anyway, just wanted to share how just the color of my hair pretty much ruined my self esteem and high school years, but molded me into who I am today. I am no longer shy and unable to speak up. 😜 I am really liking me and it has really hit starting in my 40’s.

Thanks for reading and here’s a current pic of me and a pic of me in one of my wigs I wore for years.

Current

One of my last brown wigs I wore before embracing being a ginger.
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Tonight

Well tonight I was so stressed and wanted to drink. I went and ran it off on my archaic treadmill.

Came upstairs feeling very empowered.

It really sucks you can be so far into a new you, and still have these times.

Making eggs for the morning , back on track.

Does the fight ever end?

Here’s a super bad pic of me running, but NOT drinking!!!

Thanks for reading!

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