Grillin’ & Chillin’

Weather has been cold, icy and crappy here. Today it was near 40 degrees and I had marinated chicken so decided to grill it. It’s been awhile since I grilled.

The sky was pretty and chicken came out great! Most of all I didn’t have one craving to drink. Grilling is a weakness of mine for having alcohol. Hubby came home and I even told him to have a beer, wouldn’t bother me at all. I had my flavored sparkling water.

Well, that’s my update tonight. I feel things are finally shifting for me in the right direction. 😃

Thanks for reading friends! 🙌🏻

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Today threw me a monkey wrench.

I’ve been on a good streak of very limited alcohol and it’s been going pretty easy! Today I wanted to drink.

I was by where I could have bought some and nobody would have known as I was by myself. I asked myself “Why do I want to drink today?” I literally had not one solid reason. Then I asked myself “Why don’t I want to drink today?” That list was long.

The feeling went away and I drove home without alcohol and feeling a sense of pride and accomplishment currently.

Just thought I’d share a quick post that asking myself these questions really helped me today. Maybe they could help someone else out….

☺️ Jackie

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Dwight @ recently blogged about the start of his Phoenix rising. I think I have had 2 in my life and thought I’d blog about the first.

I was always the little redhead shy girl. As I grew up I was very insecure and hated my appearance. It didn’t help this was 25-30 years ago and red hair and a face full of acidic acne was an easy target for getting picked on.

I remember one time I was curling the bangs of my hair and thought I was so ugly I just took the curling iron and burned my forehead. I thought “There at least maybe they will look at that and not my ugly face.”

I hated my face, hair, white skin, lack of breasts…pretty much everything. I wrote poems on how I felt. This one perfectly describes how I felt at about 18 years old.

At 19 years old I decided to get breast augmentation. I saved money from working for a down payment and would make monthly payments. The doctor said I had “perfect asymmetrical breasts” and the outcome would be just what I wanted. I decided on a small C cup. 3 days before something happened in my brain and told me not to do it. Call and cancel right now. And so I did, losing my hard earned deposit.

I sat for awhile thinking and decided to embrace my ( what seemed to me ) all around quirkiness. I decided at 20 to get my first tattoo and it grew from there, and so did I. Here’s a poem I wrote shortly after.

Then one day, at about 21/22 years old I walked outside and I believe this is when I had my Phoenix rising. It was sunny and something changed within. I stood in the sun and looked up at the sky. I hadn’t felt peace and confidence in so many years, but I was that day. I smiled, it had been years of no smiling. I came in and wrote this poem.

That day was a start of a new me. I fought hard for years, just for happiness and self acceptance. I spent the next 2 years finding myself through tattoos. It may sound really weird but tattoos hurt like hell, the pain was physical pain and not emotional. I found that healing. All my tattoos have something to do with my feelings and what makes me happy. I ended up with 2 half sleeves, full chest piece, back piece and leg tattoos. HOWEVER, I found myself and I liked who I found. 😊

If I’m having a rough day I still go outside, stand in that very same spot and look up at the sky. It always helps.

Well that’s my story of my first Phoenix rising without making this blog too long. Thanks for reading my favorite friends!

XO. Jackie

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When our kids cry, we cry.

For those that don’t know my oldest daughter is in her second year of college. She has always suffered from very low self esteem, really hurting her mental health. About a year ago she met a really nice boy. I loved seeing her happy and smiling.

He lives 3 hours away and they are still on holiday break. He came for a visit yesterday. He spent the day with her and at 2am I woke up to a very sobbing child. He broke up with her. He told he loved her just an hour before. They were watching a movie and commitment came up and my daughter mentioned long term and how he’s in for it and he then said, “maybe.” ( He’s been talking about the future regularly. ) That lead to him breaking up with her. He told my daughter his plan was to come for a few days and see if he wanted to continue dating her. So come, tell her you love her, have relations with her and then break up with her? I think his plan was to just go home after the few days and text her to break up with her. The movie cut that shorter than he planned.

He said he said he loved her thinking that’s what she wanted to hear. She told him he knows she only wants to hear what he means.

Thing is, we really liked this kid. I still like this kid, just hate how he handled ending this relationship. My heart is breaking for my daughter. There were just no signs.

So as I started off at 2 am I hear sobbing. It just isn’t fair she said and I told her she is correct. I had the needed mom talk with her. Dad came out and and said encouraging things to her. We told her we loved her and she want to her room sobbing and sobbing.

As my heart hurts for her I am looking at upcoming school. She has 2 roommates that aren’t too nice. She tried to move but cannot this year. I’m really hoping this does put her way back down into the dumps mentally. College is 5 hours away, not at all a hop/skip/jump away. College is in “orange status” due to COVID so you are limited on what you can do.

So long story short my heart is broken for my daughter. I know these things happen and she will recover but it will take her longer than more. Last time she had a hard time at college we made many many trips to and from college to be there for her. It’s really hard mentally and physically to worry all the time.

At least she knows we are always there for her. There’s no mile we won’t run for her. I hope someday she meets her person.

All us parents want is happiness for our kids. ❤️ I sure hope she finds it.

Thanks for reading, Jackie

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Third child

I thought I would share something special that happened on my birthday. It was something I needed to hear and she decided to post it on social media. Quite commendable for a person that’s pretty private.

I may have previously mentioned however long story short years ago at a birthday party my girls were quite young and met another girl who was maybe 5 years older. ( So she was about 11/12years old ) She loved my girls and asked right away to “come over the following weekend.” I said sure. Well she really meant the weekend and after that she spent a LOT of time at my house, like a third child. We had great times and loved her like ours. Her mother worked 3 jobs and was a alcoholic. ( However that was this girls life and she loved her mom dearly.) after that she lived with us her senior year. The summer after her senior year, her mom passed of cancer.

She moved back in with us after that and really resented our family. I believe she was jealous she didn’t have that. She lashed out and treated my girls poorly. She did really mean and hurtful things. She made me cry to the point of vomiting. A year later she left when we weren’t home one day, stayed with a dysfunctional Aunt but did go to college.

She graduated with her bachelors and has started to come around. She apologized, we accepted and also apologized if we did anything to hurt her. ( I don’t think we did but possibly unknowingly. ) We moved on. She still struggles in life but I can see she’s maturing and dealing with a terrible life. We keep in touch.

Anyway, she posted this to Facebook on my birthday. Really brought me to happy tears.

Maybe just maybe, it was all worth it.

Well…..I just went to copy and paste it and she has taken it off Facebook. 😢 I’m so confused. I cannot allow myself to be emotional about this. This cannot conduct how my day will go. Just contacted hubby and said I wonder if she didn’t mean all those nice things she said and thanked me for. She basically said I was a roll model and thanked me for being there for her whole life. He said I deserved all she said, no matter what. I agree, still why take it off? Again, I need to redirect.

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My birthday ramble bamble

Yesterday I turned 48. Having a birthday right after Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE and the first week everyone going back to work after the holidays is just dumb. 🙅‍♀️ Can’t really change the day I was born though. 😂

I went to work and everything seemed like a chore. I cleaned my two houses for the day, did errands and came home. Grabbed my coffee, snack and fleece blanket. I just felt so tired. I’ve owned my own cleaning business for a very long time and my body is starting to react as I get older. I have an on and off sciatic nerve issue in the lower back. It comes and goes and is bothering me currently. For a continuous month my right arm I use to scrub everything has been aching with sharp pains at times. I’m sure it’s tendentious from 15 years of using that arm heavy. Trying to use left arm more in hopes to get my right arm better but that’s a chore in itself. I can’t even sleep on my right side without waking up in pain. Not going to the doctor as we pay out the ass for shit insurance. I can’t afford a doctor visit bill with possible X-rays and such only to tell me to rest my arm.

So enough whining however I think that’s why I was just tired and blah yesterday. I’m tired of dealing with a constant achy arm. In the future I want to change jobs but right now I’m stuck. We only have 2 cars and a child that wants/needs an after school/weekend job. We live in the country so I will share my car with her. I start cleaning as early as 8am so am usually done by 4pm. This leaves her time for an evening job and weekend hours. I don’t normally work weekends and when I do in the summer maybe she will have some money saved for a vehicle or I can even take her to work on a weekend and pick her up when I need the car also. My husband works long hours so he is unable to share our other vehicle.

So with enough rambling again I’ll end this off with I had a good birthday. Hubby brought home pizza and I kept the couch warm after work. My youngest is a senior and plans of going to college. In the future it will be just me to worry about and I plan on changing jobs. Not sure what to though. I thought about now taking some online classes but not sure where to start. A business class or maybe nursing? I love to take care of people. Who knows what that would cost though. Right now we are not in a financial place to take on any more debt.

I’ll keep thinking on that and one thing I am proud of I did not drink on my birthday! ( frick yeah!! 🎉 ) ( I took your saying, Dwight! 😉 ) This is the first year in years that I haven’t. I did dry January last year and did have some drinks on just my birthday. I didn’t even care to have them yesterday. I like where I’m at and heading. ☺️

Have a kick ass day! I’m almost done my second cup of ☕️ and ready to make sure I have a mentally better day than yesterday. ✔️

❤️ Jackie

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Christmas and NYE

Hi everyone! I haven’t written in a little bit. I start writing and it seems boring so I stop. I’m just going to ramble a bit here as I really want to share some of my thoughts!

I did my December goal. I drank on Christmas and NYE. Didn’t go overboard either. Those were the days I allowed myself to drink. Going to keep moving forward for January. I feel real accomplished for December and proud of myself and it’s a freaking good feeling! 😊

I started taking care of my skin better in December and so in January I am upping my water intake to see if that improves it even more. I seem to have trouble drinking more water in the colder months.

I was pretty sad on the death of Betty White. I am quite a nerd for her. I have many items with her on it as well as a tattoo I got about 10 years ago of her. Sorry pic is pretty bad but I just snapped it as I’m sitting here. Like my pj’s and teal socks? 😂 Yeah there’s no Victoria’s Secrete going on here when it comes to sleepwear. 😂

A puzzle just finished looks perfect above her quote!

Lastly I am starting to get bored with my long hair. It is nice to have it long in the colder months but I just wear it up constantly it seems. I’m thinking of cutting it to my collarbone, but then I get nervous I will miss my long hair. It always grows back, mine just grows slow it seems.

So that’s really it! Not much new here but want to keep improving myself. I really enjoyed December with the absence of alcohol for most of it! It’s also wonderful to feel good about myself as apposed to all the guilt that comes with drinking. Thank you all for all your support!!! ❤️🙌🏻❤️🙌🏻❤️🙌🏻❤️🙌🏻❤️

PS—-I had to add on what WP thought I should correct the word bit with! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Early Saturday morning

Well it’s 5:30am on a Saturday morning. I’m enjoying my coffee and watching some tv before work. Thought I’d share some of my thoughts.

Tomorrow is the end of week three of my newest no alcohol gig that I’m doing with my husband. Going strong and I’ve lost 3lbs! I feel good inside and out. Last night I wrapped presents and made me and hubby a fun mocktail. It was just a berry La Criox, ice, cherries and some cherry juice. The fun part is eating the 🍒 at the end.

Tree is up and decorated. Had to take 2 1/2 feet off the top and trim side branches but I love it! I convinced hubby to cut nodules in the bottom branches ( so it would fit in the stand ) instead of removing the entire branch. The tree originally was 10 feet tall. Didn’t look that big when it was outside before we cut it down. 😂 No wonder hubby was trying to discourage me from really wanting that tree. 😂 🌲 Anyway, I ❤️ it!

I got my COVID booster yesterday. My arm is killing me this morning. Hubby’s arm is just fine. 🙄😂

Oldest is home from college and still staying on the Dean’s list. The scholarship she was offered was the accelerated program in finance. She will receive her Masters degree in just 4 years. It’s a heavier workload and she pretty much has to stay on the Dean’s list to keep receiving this scholarship, but what a great thing to achieve in just 4 years! She was the Valedictorian of her high school class as well helping her receive this scholarship. I love her being home. ❤️ 🏠

Youngest daughter that is a senior in high school just got her report card. Her average this marking period is 99.5! She’s usually on the low 90’s and is super excited for her highest average yet! This weekend is filing for FASFA and then applying to the colleges she wants to go to. ✔️

So that’s a wrap! Have a great weekend guys and thanks so much for reading my little blog!! 🥰

XO. Jackie

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Good morning! This showed up in my Facebook memories and nothing could be more relevant within me currently. I think it showed up for a reason.

This is definitely my second job. I really do feel we have to create our own happiness. It’s work, but work much more rewarding than a paycheck. ☺️

My hard work is paying off as I’m crushing goals and feeling much inside happiness.

Well just a quick blog as I wanted to share my Facebook memory! Have a kick ass day to you all! 😃😍😃

Oh and My phone as a new emoji when it updated a few days ago. This is the new one I love using so sending it your way too!

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Short but sweet

Well everything is going great here! As I mentioned in a past blog, hubby and I are doing our no drinking gig together. That’s going wonderful and it’s nice for a support system.

We haven’t had outside lights in years and this year I asked if we could put some out again. I’m excited on how it turned out and it’s nothing too hard or time consuming so I feel we can keep the tradition going again. In previous years we over did the lights and it got too much of a job. We ended up frustrated when it came time to take them all down.

I’m also trying to maintain a better skin care routine. I feel an internal boost doing this! However, I did impulse buy a face mask from The Dollar Store. I don’t recommend! 😂 I look like a freaking pilgrim gone wrong!! 😂😂😂

Anywho, much love to you all and thanks for your continued support….🙌🏻❤️🙌🏻❤️

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