Yucky morning

Well, last night I drank. My brother hasn’t been here in 6 years and he is in town. It was a great time and I’m not saying I’m mad at myself or anything however, I am not happy with the way I feel this morning. I absolutely love my mornings and it’s 10am and I have not accomplished or enjoyed anything. I could have easily just had my AF drinks but I caved after such a long good run. I know I am fun without alcohol. Took me awhile to realize that but at 47 years old, I am certain of it.

Onward and upward I suppose. I didn’t drink a ton that my day is a wash however everything seems a chore this morning.

Just updating for anyone who is contemplating drinking again…..it sucks the next morning! Starting a new long run this Sunday morning with a better appreciation for my AF drinks! Thank you all for being with me and my ups and downs with alcohol! I really appreciate it!

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Finding my balance

Recently I’ve been having a hard time finding my balance in life. Collette ( Wine to Water ) recently posted about this and it really got me thinking. I work a lot and our family always has multiple things going on. I feel like I need to make lists just to remember everything that I need to do. This is nothing new however I need better tactics to keep that balance more regular.

My husband and I got invited to a bonfire this past Saturday, starting at 6pm. It’s with some of my old classmate friends. I said yes, I don’t see them often and they are really nice people. Well Friday was a long day and Saturday I didn’t get home until 4pm. I was whipped and cancelled saying I’m just too tired. It’s 100% the truth but also it’s a drinking bonfire and just like last time I can go and bring my own non alcoholic drink, but that seemed like a chore too. A weight was lifted from me when I did cancel, however I did want to see them and the next day fb post about good friends did sting a little but I understand, everyone is good friends and had a great time! I chose not to go.

Anywho, yesterday after work a couple of the girls that held the bonfire text me and asked if tomorrow ( now today ) I wanted to go with them for Chicken Gravy & Bisquits night at our local diner. I totally said yes as that’s right up my alley! I’m excited about this! I also told hubby I’m too stresssed out on weekends. We have a grad party Saturday at 4pm and I said let’s relax at that and just keep relaxing after. I’m looking forward to that as well.

This past Sunday was Fathers Day. We got bbq chicken from our local fireman’s bbq and I made potato salad and a tossed salad and I made 2 pies. ( one for my father in law ) ( My dad lives a bit further away ) potato salad is timely and I got frustrated that my day was going to be about food. However I did offer to cook it all! I do this a lot! Anyway after hubby saying not to make all that I did and then walked down to my in-laws and got in their pool. It was just what I needed to relieve that stress.

So anyway, I’m trying to really be conscious of balance. I started Monday off frustrated again and that’s no way to start a Monday off. I think I was just tired. My arms hurt pretty good from swimming! I can’t believe I’m that out of shape, I have been doing my small workouts. Feeling more refreshed this Tuesday morning and I sure hope you all are too!

Thanks for reading, Jackie

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Week 1

Just wanted to share that last week I started working out again. My goal was to run half a mile, do a set of legs, arms and stomach and then run another half a mile and do a second set of legs arms and stomach. I wanted to do this at least 4 days a week.

My legs sure did hurt after the first couple days but by the end of the week I was looking forward to working out. I think it’s very helpful it’s a short workout. I felt very accomplished that I met my goal. I don’t know if it’s possible after 1 week to feel stronger but I do!

Anywho I’m headed into week 2 and I did my workout today right when I got home from work. ✅ I thought I’d share my after work to do list. This amount is pretty much daily. I even scheduled a couple appointments in between all that.

We ate a late dinner and after cleaning up from dinner I showered and plopped on the couch with some chocolate soy milk in a kids cup. ( I like it has a handle. 🤣 ) ( AND most importantly, it’s not alcohol! 😃 ) I’m currently sitting here super happy and I do feel super cool about my productive day today. 😎

Thanks for reading and all your support! ~Jackie

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Goooood morning!

This was my thought this morning when the alarm went off at 5am. 😂 However I am awake now with my coffee and feeling great!

Last week I didn’t do any of my little workouts. I guess I said “Eff a workout toooooo!” 🐓 But…I am back on track this week!

Did grocery shopping Sunday morning and couldn’t find the Bob Evans potato’s section. Then when I spotted them I went right up to a guy in Walmart and pointed and said “The Bob Evans are over there!” Then he fully turned around and looked at me and it wasn’t my husband. Then I hear My husband dying laughing. 😂 😆🤣 Oooppsssss… I just saw a bald head and went with it…. Lordy. 😆

I’ll end this randomness on a personal accomplishment note. We just took our daughter back to college Saturday for her finals this week. It’s 5 hours one way. I never drive on trips or such where there’s long highway driving. Gets my anxiety going bad. Well I told myself I need to start so my husband isn’t doing all the driving, it’s too much as we make many trips there and go there and back in the same day. Soooo, Saturday was my third trip driving to college. The first trip I mostly stayed in the slow lane and was full of anxiety. Second trip I did toggle lanes a bit and I didn’t clench the wheel like I was going to die any minute. 😂 Saturday on my third trip I started getting confidence. I drove well and anxiety was much lower. This Saturday will be my 4th trip driving there bringing her home for the summer. ( Hubby drives home ) I have to say I never thought in my life I would drive on highways 🛣 for long trips to another state. I feel very accomplished and proud of myself. This is also brought on by me getting my alcohol under control. Living in a fog is no fun at all, glad I got my ass out of it!

I have been posting lately without over correcting my posts. I tend to over correct and then get frustrated with how much time I’m taking trying to share my thoughts with you all. I’ve decided to just go with it more.

Have a kick ass day everyone! 😍 Thank you for reading!!

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Mornings and Oreo’s

Not sure yet if I will stop at just two…😆

Good morning! This morning I felt the need to have Oreo’s and milk after consuming my normal breakfast. Meh….I’m happy, I’m going with it. 🤷‍♀️

Last night I got my second COVID shot. Within 3 hours I had bad pain in that arm but that’s okay, I did for the last shot as well. Woke up every half hour last night with all over pain/aches. 4 Ibuprofen does take it down a notch I am able to work today thankfully. It’s rough though, it hurts to even brush my hair. So….hence the cookies. I felt I needed them this particular morning.

I was also thinking I’m so glad I’m not at the point where the “Oh I shouldn’t drink around my COVID shot time” thinking would start and then most likely cave. I can’t imagine how I feel today compounded with alcohol.

I heard this song on the radio this morning and I remember back when I used to drink nightly I’d play music in my ear buds and “really connect with the lyrics and the singer.” Here’s a chorus to a song I would play a lot:

[Chorus]
You’re the only thing that gets me high
And I hate it, and I hate it (Woah)
You’re the only thing that gets me high
And I hate it, and I hate it
(Woah, woah, woah, woah)
Yeah!

I would blast it and connect with it. I would think “Oh yeah he really understands how I feel.” Well what a rut I was in! I wasn’t doing anything to get out of that rut. Finally I was like “What the hell Jackie your going to just keep this viscous cycle going? Where is it getting you?”

So after much hard work and many failed attempts I am here and doing awesome! As I listened to that song this morning I am sitting here with my Oreo’s and milk very thankful I turned my sinking ship around!

Much love to you all for helping me!

Jackie

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Adoption

Yesterday, 47 years ago I was adopted. I still love sitting down on our land and absorbing everything I love. ❤️ I appreciate everything and love I am now working on myself inside and out.

My birth mom was in her mid 30’s and already had a 13 year old daughter an aunt was taking care of and decided to put me up for adoption. She does not know who the father is. I was in foster care for a few months after birth. That family wrote a lot about my daily activities and such so that it could be handed over to my forever home. They seemed to be such a loving foster home for me. It always cracks me up because on my feedings she wrote “Really shows temper when hungry.” 😂😂😂 Funny thing is my own children got me a shirt a few years ago that says “hangry” on it! Still true to this day!

I was adopted by a loving family and a couple years later they adopted my brother. My mom was told she could never have kids however she got pregnant at 37years old which doc said was a miracle. Then she became pregnant again at 39. So I have 3 brothers. My parents are the best girl could ask for. However, it’s clear I am just a different person than either of them.

My adopted brother sought out his birth mom. She was a very young mom and they have a tight relationship. I have decided not to seek out my birth mom. I feel pretty whole with myself and I honestly don’t think I can handle the ups and downs of the process.

Backtracking a bit is I spent years not loving myself. Always feeling a bit “different.” I drank for years because I forgot those feelings. I got tons of tattoos to enrich my different feelings. Now in my mid 40’s I have put in a lot of time with myself. I have control of the drinking and I appreciate and love myself. (Details on that I’ll do in another blog.) I think I finally, truly appreciate being born instead of asking myself why was I born.

I have never written or talked about this and I’m feeling better just writing this. Dwight’s last post really gave me the strength to post this and for that I am forever grateful. I think I’ll start blogging more on the path I took to finding myself. I think it’s my next step and maybe I could help someone else out as well.

Much much love to you all for reading and being here on WordPress. ❤️ I must go feed my horse and get my butt to work!

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Yesterday

This picture has nothing to do with my post but I felt super whole in this vacation a couple years ago…totally sober vacation. Hope sometime in the future to be able to do this again.

Just a quick note to say how I’ve been on such a good streak, didn’t drink on Easter ( holidays are tough for me ) but yesterday I wanted a drink. I wanted to come home and have a drink sitting in the sun. Thing is it’s a weekday and my rule for myself is never on a work night. I really had to have a freaking boxing match with it in my head, but I DID WIN and did not stop for it. So freaking glad! lol

I do feel that since I do drink from time to time I actually make that fight not totally go away. This I am working on however my times between drinking keep getting longer and I continue to feel better mentally and physically. I like me and will keep investing in me.

So to all struggling it is hard, but this morning I am quite happy I won yesterday. Every win makes me want to fight harder. Thank you all here for your continued support!! ❤️❤️❤️

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Finally warmer weather!

This is a waterfall at one of the places I work. I bet next time I see it, it will be all melted!

The weather is finally breaking here and we are outside more. It’s a wonderful feeling! I told myself I was going to start working out yesterday but I came home from work and my 16yr old daughter wanted to sit in the sun and chat. We chatted for an hour. It was wonderful. I also told myself I was going to eat lighter. I made tofu stir fry, tonight is shrimp Caesar wraps. ( My daughter likes hers with chicken )

I’ve been doing so good with the alcohol cravings and they keep getting further and further apart. I’m still in “Limbo Land” like my post awhile ago but I’m happy with myself but I’m always going to keep improving! The warmer weather brings new triggers now but I successfully grilled with a sparkling water last night. Grilling is a trigger of mine. It’s all about breaking that habit!

I received my new book in the mail yesterday. The smell of the pages in a new book are awesome! I’m so glad now I have so much time for reading and puzzles! It’s crazy how much time I wasted when I was drinking every night!

Anywho-I’m enjoying a cup of coffee watching the morning news now….feeling awesome! Have a great day everyone!

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A typical Monday…

I am posting last Monday’s routine I documented and never posted. Thanks to everyone that encouraged me to do so as it may be a bit boring. 😆😃 Have a great day!!

5:00am my alarm went off, and again at 5:10am. I got up and dressed and headed out to the kitchen to see my husband a few minutes before he leaves at 5:30am.

I sit on my couch with coffee news and go online for awhile. ( here! 😃 )

6:15 I eat breakfast, English muffin and an egg. I really enjoy my coffee and breakfast time. It’s a staple in my morning that makes me happy. I took a bite before I remembered to take a pic. 😂

6:40am I fed my horse his grain and alfalfa cubes ( he has hay too ) and picked up the night before poops.

7:15 am I fed our fish. ( we have 3 fish tanks currently that are my daughters that is in college now )

Then I put minimal make up on and threw my hair in a bun. I gathered my lunch around for work and left at 8am. Oh and I left a note for my daughter as I do every morning.

Notice my glasses follow me everywhere? 😂

4:30pm home from work and ready for my afternoon coffee! Chatted with my 16yr old daughter who is always glad to see me when I come home. It’s quite warming.

5:15pm feed our bunnies and then our horse and turn him in for the night.

How I “watch” tv with my bunny. 😂

6pm made chicken Caesar wraps for dinner. Yummy!!

Picked up kitchen, showered and planted my bum on the couch at 8pm to watch The Bachelor. I only really watch it as I watch it with my daughter and we always comment on the girl drama. Lol It’s a fun bonding time.

I usually go to bed about 10-10:30pm. I have a plant by my bed and a fleece blanket with my doggie that passed all over it that make me happy. My husband is usually snoring. 😂

Plant and lamp by my bed. 😍

Lastly I’ll post a picture that has nothing to do with my day but just because I think I’m ingenious for the caption I re-did. 😂😂

Switching it up for COVID the name of the book should be:

Put On Your Mask
When You’re Close
😂😂😂

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I’ve been wanting to update…

I have been wanting to post but not sure what to post. I’m doing really well and I have drank here and there but nothing repetitive. I am super happy with all my accomplishments however I feel I don’t have that date validation. ( sober dates ) I do go long periods of time without alcohol but I haven’t yet had that mindset for none, yet. I do feel a bit down about that but I keep telling myself how much progress I have made thus far. I’ve really moved mountains and thank you all here for the support. I have a supportive husband however he doesn’t quite understand how hard to get to here was for me. It’s easy for him.

Also-to Sober Veg Mama, I did last Monday document my day and didn’t post due to I thought it was boring…I am also not sure how to ensure she sees this. I think I will post that as it’s in my phone in “notes.” I really liked her idea of getting to know more than just drinking habits.

Have a great evening everyone! The finale of a show I have been watching is on tonight and I intend to eat ice cream and enjoy!

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