Dwight @http://www.fadedjeansliving.com recently blogged about the start of his Phoenix rising. I think I have had 2 in my life and thought I’d blog about the first.

I was always the little redhead shy girl. As I grew up I was very insecure and hated my appearance. It didn’t help this was 25-30 years ago and red hair and a face full of acidic acne was an easy target for getting picked on.

I remember one time I was curling the bangs of my hair and thought I was so ugly I just took the curling iron and burned my forehead. I thought “There at least maybe they will look at that and not my ugly face.”

I hated my face, hair, white skin, lack of breasts…pretty much everything. I wrote poems on how I felt. This one perfectly describes how I felt at about 18 years old.

At 19 years old I decided to get breast augmentation. I saved money from working for a down payment and would make monthly payments. The doctor said I had “perfect asymmetrical breasts” and the outcome would be just what I wanted. I decided on a small C cup. 3 days before something happened in my brain and told me not to do it. Call and cancel right now. And so I did, losing my hard earned deposit.

I sat for awhile thinking and decided to embrace my ( what seemed to me ) all around quirkiness. I decided at 20 to get my first tattoo and it grew from there, and so did I. Here’s a poem I wrote shortly after.

Then one day, at about 21/22 years old I walked outside and I believe this is when I had my Phoenix rising. It was sunny and something changed within. I stood in the sun and looked up at the sky. I hadn’t felt peace and confidence in so many years, but I was that day. I smiled, it had been years of no smiling. I came in and wrote this poem.

That day was a start of a new me. I fought hard for years, just for happiness and self acceptance. I spent the next 2 years finding myself through tattoos. It may sound really weird but tattoos hurt like hell, the pain was physical pain and not emotional. I found that healing. All my tattoos have something to do with my feelings and what makes me happy. I ended up with 2 half sleeves, full chest piece, back piece and leg tattoos. HOWEVER, I found myself and I liked who I found. 😊

If I’m having a rough day I still go outside, stand in that very same spot and look up at the sky. It always helps.

Well that’s my story of my first Phoenix rising without making this blog too long. Thanks for reading my favorite friends!

XO. Jackie

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10 Responses to

  1. Just beautiful, Jacquelyn!
    I love how you had that moment after all the self hate.
    Giant hugs!
    PS – Hope your daughter is feeling better.

    • Thanks so much Wendy!! I am sure feeling your hugs this morning! 😍 My daughter is doing better! They decided to try again and see how it goes. We shall see how it goes. She’s a smart girl though and knows if it doesn’t work out this time it will be sad, but no fault of her own. This oat breakup she realized some things she could cha

      • Shit I accidentally hit reply when I went back to correct that sentence! 😆 All I have is my phone, wish I had an iPad or something! Anyway, This last breakup she realized a couple things she could improve on, his list is much longer. He was very sad as well so we shall see if he really works on his things. Right now he intends to, but we shall see in the months to come. He’s a real nice boy that loves her however, he’s got family and some mental health issues to deal with. Thanks so much for asking Wendy! She still cries even talking about possibly losing him but like I said smart enough to know she gave all she can give. ❤️

  2. Dwight Hyde says:

    Big hugs, Jackie. Thanks so much for sharing and connecting with me. My gosh being in our teens was so intense wasn’t it. We definitely didn’t have the vision then we do now but I guess how could we. Everything seemed so much bigger like it could just swallow you up and often it did. So glad you were able to rise up and find your beauty. You are such a beautiful loving person on the outside and inside. I thoroughly enjoy you and smile deeply. Keep lighting up this world my friend! 🤗

    • Morning Dwight! I really appreciate your comment and hugs this morning! I read your comment at work yesterday ( yeah I should have been working. 🤣 ) and it really made me smile. ☺️ I can’t even imagine what kids go through these days with cell phones and social media! For me, if I was distracted or busy I wouldn’t focus so much on the self hate. There’s no way around it these days and kids in school or college have to Zoom so much and that camera is right on their face. I feel for these kids! You, my dear friend are a wonderful ray of sunshine! ☀️❤️ This world is a better place with you in it. Thanks again for such a sweet comment. Yesterday was great and today I’ll make even better, you gave me that spark!
      Oh-Today I am driving my daughter to a follow up appointment in a big city. I hate going there and my hubby usually does it. My second house cancelled today so I told him I’d take her. I’m nervous as hell however it’s on my to do list for bettering myself! Hope it all goes well and if so, I will be so happy with myself!! 🙏🏻✔️

      • Dwight Hyde says:

        You can do it! I prescribe tunes, good coffee, bottle of water, plenty of snacks, and paying no intention to the nonsense around you. You will flow to and from your appointment smartly and smoothly! Reward yourself on the way home with a treat like stopping in a dive diner. Now you have an adventure!!! 💯💪😊

      • Guess what? I’m home and I did it!! I did take coffee, which was super helpful! ( water I always have in the car. ) So since I live in the country it took me 30 minutes to get to a highway, then 30 minutes on that highway exciting and onto other highways. Then, 15 minutes of city driving. I ignored nonsense and focused on my next step to getting to my destination. I was nervous coming home but did great! I did have a death grip on the wheel! 😂 I even exited and didn’t find a diner but did go through Burger King’s drive through with my App on my phone and got a double whopper for $4. I didn’t eat it all but loved every bite I ate! Never have gone through a drive through for myself. I feel so great tonight! Thank you for helping me feel confident in that I can do this! I can’t say how much I appreciate you!!! 🙌🏻☺️

      • Dwight Hyde says:

        Alright alright alright😁

      • Love the Matthew McConaughey reference!!! 😃

  3. Exiting not exciting! Damn auto correct!

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