Dwight @http://www.fadedjeansliving.com recently blogged about the start of his Phoenix rising. I think I have had 2 in my life and thought I’d blog about the first.

I was always the little redhead shy girl. As I grew up I was very insecure and hated my appearance. It didn’t help this was 25-30 years ago and red hair and a face full of acidic acne was an easy target for getting picked on.

I remember one time I was curling the bangs of my hair and thought I was so ugly I just took the curling iron and burned my forehead. I thought “There at least maybe they will look at that and not my ugly face.”

I hated my face, hair, white skin, lack of breasts…pretty much everything. I wrote poems on how I felt. This one perfectly describes how I felt at about 18 years old.

At 19 years old I decided to get breast augmentation. I saved money from working for a down payment and would make monthly payments. The doctor said I had “perfect asymmetrical breasts” and the outcome would be just what I wanted. I decided on a small C cup. 3 days before something happened in my brain and told me not to do it. Call and cancel right now. And so I did, losing my hard earned deposit.

I sat for awhile thinking and decided to embrace my ( what seemed to me ) all around quirkiness. I decided at 20 to get my first tattoo and it grew from there, and so did I. Here’s a poem I wrote shortly after.

Then one day, at about 21/22 years old I walked outside and I believe this is when I had my Phoenix rising. It was sunny and something changed within. I stood in the sun and looked up at the sky. I hadn’t felt peace and confidence in so many years, but I was that day. I smiled, it had been years of no smiling. I came in and wrote this poem.

That day was a start of a new me. I fought hard for years, just for happiness and self acceptance. I spent the next 2 years finding myself through tattoos. It may sound really weird but tattoos hurt like hell, the pain was physical pain and not emotional. I found that healing. All my tattoos have something to do with my feelings and what makes me happy. I ended up with 2 half sleeves, full chest piece, back piece and leg tattoos. HOWEVER, I found myself and I liked who I found. 😊

If I’m having a rough day I still go outside, stand in that very same spot and look up at the sky. It always helps.

Well that’s my story of my first Phoenix rising without making this blog too long. Thanks for reading my favorite friends!

XO. Jackie