Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I’ve ever known…..

Well here I go again! After a long stretch I drank after work yesterday. I definitely over drank. I can’t handle much when I take time periods off. I mean I woke up for work this am and felt “off.” Not too bad but my actions yesterday were off kilter.

1. When a very controversial sis in law confronted me about why my senior doesn’t have college plans yet and I tried to explain….she insisted it’s a must. Not your kid, not your decision. You don’t even know her hardly. I would have stayed more calm if I didn’t have 2 drinks in me. Period. I thought about it and later went up to her and said “Can we agree to disagree?” She said yes and that was that. I did be the better person. Being older sucks. 😂😂😂 ( BTW My in-laws had a cook out, that’s where this happened. )

2. I came home and called my parents. They love to hear from me! I agreed to a trip 5 hours away to visit my Great Aunt who is 90. Now this had been talked about for awhile, but alcohol pulled the trigger. Also-I had to look at my phone log to even see what time I called them. Just not okay on any level. BUT will be a good weekend trip with my parents and Great Aunt. My parents are in their late 70’s so I am looking forward to bonding time with me and just them.

3. I worked my ass off yesterday morning and the lady dropped off my pay in my garage while I was at the cook out. I appreciated that as it was cash. Yeah well I can’t figure out where the hell I put it! Really? Well that will be a nice find someday! 🙄🙁

4. I had a long task of things to do after that cook out. I DID do them all! OH BUT THERE’S A CATCH!! I don’t remember doing many of those tasks. I see they got done but can’t physically remember doing them. So dumb. Embarrassing actually.

5. I woke up to my 5:30am alarm, in bed with my day clothes still on. 4 stiff drinks made this entire shit show happen.

So…..thought I’d share the train wreck that I am. Well all I can do is build myself back up! I honestly can’t say I won’t drink again. I just keep making progress and I’m good with doing just that.

Anyone have any tips? I think I need new goals. My dog and horse have passed within a short time span. My only daughter at home now has a boyfriend, she’s a senior. I’m left with a lot of alone time after work. Also my job is a lot of alone time as well. My head spins. My husband got unlimited cell data so I can finally now listen to pod casts and music and such. I’m thinking of making actual write down goal list? Being just in my head, it’s easy to erase.

Anyway, thanks for reading and always your support no matter how awesomely good I’m doing and how awesomely bad I’m doing! I appreciate I can share with you all. ❤️

3.

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23 Responses to Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I’ve ever known…..

  1. I am no expert and I don’t know if you are trying to quit forever or what. So tell me to mind my own business. One thing that helps me is if I drink and stop. I am not starting over at day one. I still have all the time I didn’t drink and what I learned. Another I was told to treat that voice in your head that tells you to drink as the enemy and tell it to F off etc.. It made sense but I heard a pretty young kid say, “Wait a minute, I have a problem with that, that little voice is me talking. I have to show it a little compassion, otherwise I am trashing myself and I don’t think that is healthy.” That really struck a chord with me because I am an expert at trashing myself and making me feel worse. I know my blog is a little crazy but I just wrote a bit about it today. I wanted to drink because I felt horrible and said you think you feel bad now. You know how you will feel after come down from drinking. Sorry to take up so much space in your comments.

    • Ainsobriety says:

      I agree completely. I consider that inner voice my inner child Anne. She doesn’t always know what she wants, and she can be difficult, but she is just looking for attention and love. Sometimes that shows up as a tantrum….so my role is to ask myself what is the kindest, gentlest way to take care of myself.
      It has changed my life. We all need more love.

      • I’m going to start asking myself that from now on. I was doing so good that I just stopped using some solid tools for dealing with my inner voice. We do all need more love! Thanks, Anne!!

    • I appreciate your comment! I do really need to tell that inner voice ( calling it the enemy is perfect! ) in my head no but in a healthy way! I can go long periods without alcohol and sometimes I will drink and it will be fine, Sunday was not one of those days. I also like the mindset of I am not back to day 1. Like you said I have learned so much about myself and I do continue to improve and I am totally bettering myself. I woke up to my 5am alarm this morning feeling great and with a much better and solid mind frame. Many thanks for your comment that helped with that!! 🙌🏻

  2. Ainsobriety says:

    When I was still drinking I had a lot of goals and plans.
    I agreed to many things I didn’t really want to do and had many forgotten conversations.
    I lost many things and all this filled me with doubt and stress. I was tired of waking up in my clothes. I tried for a long time to find a good balance of moderating, but I hated it. And once I had one drink I never liked all my plans, they just added to my sense of disappointment.

    Sobriety resolved all of this.

    It’s so odd. I never ever thought that I needed to be sober, or that I would like it. Turns out it was a ticket to freedom and to being the real me.

    Keep considering the options. Listen to your intuition.

    Anne

    • Thank you so much Anne! I love how you said sobriety was the ticket to freedom and being the real you! I love all my sober days and I take in life to the fullest those days. Leads me to feeling wonderful and that radiates to my family. I woke up this morning feeling great and I now have a bit of a switch of mind frame for the next time that voice in my head suggests alcohol. I will definitely keep considering my options and listening to my intuition more. Again, thank you so much for commenting and helping me along the way! I really appreciate it!! 💕

  3. Lovie Price says:

    i agree with higher times above- slipping for a day doesnt mean u have to start over at day one- that is just so self defeating.. I would up doing better after my relapse , especially if i slipped because i knew that didnt take away from all the other days i stayed sober and AF. In the last few months i have drank only 3 times, and i didnt over do it. In this whole past year , i may have drank a total of 8-10 times.But that doesnt discredit the hundreds of days i didnt. Sure i still i would have felt better if i hadnt but changing my mind set helped me by not being so mean to myself..now i usually dont even want to drink at all, even though i know i have a choice.

    • Thank you so much Lovie!! Today I am really taking it easy on myself. Before and after work I relaxed and currently drinking tea. Not going to beat myself up over this. I sure did the next morning however, I’ll keep learning and building myself back up again. All your comments sure have helped a lot! I feel I should have all the wisdom in the world into this long journey of getting control of alcohol yet I get going good and my brain forgets the fundamentals I have learned. Thank you again for reminding me not to discredit all the times ( which completely outweigh one night ) I have stayed strong! ❤️❤️❤️

  4. Hey! Glad you are feeling better today 🙂 I am curious about your mindset before the party – had you decided it was a “drinking day”, or did you mean to abstain and caved once you got there?
    Either way, you are fabulous and not a train wreck. Like the others said, the one day doesn’t discount all the days you feel good about. Family parties are always tough for me too!!!
    As far as how to fill the time this one I still struggle with…. I have realized I drink when my kids are gone because it makes me miss them less. It’s hard to find something fulfilling to do, the only thing I can think of is joining a fitness class or gym but I know you are in the country.

    • You always make me feel better! I totally was not happy about saying I would work Sunday morning. Then hubby and girls left to take oldest back to college. It was a last minute weekend come home for her. I was able to go with everyone Friday after work to get her, but unable to return her back. I knowingly decided I was going to drink. It was a happy start, okay I’ll just be me and have a few drinks, which turned not so happy. Ugh. So annoying as I’ve had other times I have had a few and been just fine. Maybe I was missing them too much so overindulged?….You could be totally onto something. I definitely need a damn hobby now that my oldest is in college and my senior in high school now has a boyfriend. My main two pets have passed that took up a good amount of my time and thoughts. Never had so much alone time. Good thing to think about. I told myself this morning I need to start working out again…maybe I will give that a good try now. My brain needs redirection. Love you so much for getting my brain going!!! Thinking of you!!❤️❤️❤️

      • Love ya girl! I’m doing better this month than most, somehow I never feel like blogging when I’m doing well though, haha!

      • Awesome to hear! I told my hubby just this morning that next week I want to start getting back into shape. I can feel after losing my horse almost 3 weeks ago, bad habits forming. He said he thought that was a good idea. Going to get some 5 lb dumbbells this weekend. I think by sharing my goal with him it will make me more likely to actually do it. We shall see how I do!

      • Check out the NourishMoveLove channel on YouTube – it’s free and she has a lot of strength videos to choose from. I love the 30 minute full body for women. You will FEEL it the next day!

      • I will totally check that out!! THANK YOU!!

  5. clairei47 says:

    Agree with all the above comments my lovely. No way are you a train wreck. It’s a blip. You live and learn. Count all the days you haven’t drunk and be proud. One thing you said resonated with me though. The ‘free alone’ time thing. I found that really tough when I had it suddenly. We are busy busy all the time and then, bam 💥 we are alone for a while. It’s tough. I definitely drank more and also felt lower in my mood. But sobriety has made me really enjoy those moments now. I soak them up and have learnt to relax and find peace in them. I lie on the bed and do nothing, or I get out my yoga mat and do an online class, or I take a bath, or watch crappy tv, or read, or take a quick walk and listen to a podcast or or or …. No goals. No filling that time with ‘busy’ or ‘jobs’. It’s my time and I love it. Maybe just do kind things for you rather than have a goal? Just a thought xxx

    • I really thought about this hard. YES, it’s the alone thing for sure! My oldest had last minute came home for the weekend. I was able to travel to get her with everyone after work Friday. I had an obligation to work Sunday until 2pm so couldn’t go with to take her back. I was hurt. She is finally just starting to say I love you and thank you and appreciating all I have done. I can feel it when she says it. When I couldn’t go back with the family I decided to just have me time…..the wrong me time for sure. I planned out drinking. I clearly need a different plan next time this happens. I love hearing how you handle alone time. It sounds so nice and I have been looking into making face masks from my aloe plant but never do it. All these comments really have my mind going and I really appreciate you all! I do want and will plan a me day like you suggested. Thank you so much, I lovey you so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

  6. Nothing more I can add, really.
    You have some wise comments!
    Each day is a new beginning, and now you have more information to see what led you to drink, and how your body reacted to that.
    There is no “escaping” probems I have learned.
    Every time I think I want a drink, I KNOW it will lead to a bottle.
    BIG HUGS!
    xoxoxo
    Wendy

    • This is so true for me Wendy!! I thought I was having alone me fun time so bought alcohol. Guess what? As you know it didn’t end up a fun time. Need to redirect that brain of mine. It’s good for the most of the time but I need to make better plans for those times I feel a bit weak. Thank you Wendy for being here for me!!! XOXO!! I appreciate you!! ❤️

  7. Dwight Hyde says:

    First: YOU are AMAZING!
    Second: YOU are FRICKIN AMAZING!!!
    Third: Repeat first and second over and over!!!!
    These are just little blips and that is all they are. Do not and I repeat do not beat yourself up over them.
    Each one helps you connect the dots, learn a new truth, and helps you see clearer. This is huge!!! The fog is clearing! 💯💫🤗

    • THANK YOU!!! 🥰 This is an example of why I blog! I really needed to write it down. I can re-read when needed as well. I have moved positively since then! Go me! You have given me such a huge boost this morning with your comments!! I’m ready to take on the day! I appreciate you!!!

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