Yucky night.

Worked so hard all day today. Just have been so frustrated with life. I get zero breaks! Bought a small bottle of vodka. ( eeep! ) After work took my youngest driving and we had a great time. Oldest went with. Husband was working late as usual. I drank some of that vodka after. ( about two drinks ) I cooked dinner in shifts and all seemed ok, until my husband came home. Apparently my youngest saw me grab from the bottle. All hell broke loose. Husband was such an ass!! Right in front of the kids. I mean I could call him out on shit the girls tell me!! Why can’t my girls come to ME first? Why can’t he private address  this?? No, he thinks yelling in front of the children trumps him. They have no idea the stress I am under lately. So now my husband thinks it’s  him and the kids against me. Well, after many tears and talks with my oldest we ended up hugging and she knows what I am going through and knows all I do for the family.

BUT I HAVE TO NEVER DRINK AGAIN! I promised her that tonight.

I just got the kick in the ass to OWN my fucking life! If anyone knows me, I will prevail.

Fuck alcohol. But also I am going to do whatever is best for my kids, only. They are my whole. I’m not letting alcohol be a way for anyone to use against me. ( even though I think they were unnecessary rough tonight. )

Thank you for reading. Life is so hard sometimes!!

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17 Responses to Yucky night.

  1. msnewleaf says:

    This sounds like a really, really hard night. Sending hugs! Keep reaching out for support.

    • Thank you sooooo much!! I will keep reaching out, and I am very thankful for you all. Going to start at zero, day 1 again. Although I am bummed I’m back to day 1, I can’t wait to rack up those days again and feel good about myself again. Thanks again for your comment, it means a ton!! ❤️

  2. clairei47 says:

    Oh Jackie it sounds like such a tough time. I really feel for you and please try not to be tough on yourself. It seems others are being tough enough on you. It’s a blip. That is all it is. Sending loads of hugs to you xxx

    • Thanks, Claire. I really appreciate those hugs. I do feel others are being too hard on me, especially my husband. However, I shouldn’t have drank. I said I wouldn’t the last time I drank. I feel stressed to the max and that’s when I tend to want to have a drink. It’s such a battle for me. So today I now will start back at zero. Day 1. Ant wait to rack up the days again and feel proud of myself. Thanks again for your comment, really means a lot. ❤️❤️❤️

      • clairei47 says:

        Don’t focus on the staring at zero … day 1. I think that’s unhelpful in your case. You have done brilliantly and it’s a little slip up. Just go back to being sober. Does your husband drink? It can be difficult to truly understand how hard being 100% sober is unless you have done it!!! Just my humble opinion. His reaction, though OTT and not very helpful, came from a good place. Xxx

      • He doesn’t really drink. I mean once in while he will have a couple or so but he can go long periods and it’s easy for him. When I’m not drinking for the most part, he doesn’t either. I do know he doesn’t understand how it has a pull on me. He can’t relate to that and immediately gets angry instead of talking and seeing maybe what has rooted this slip up. I have gone very long periods of not drinking but for me I still think about it almost every day and have to tell myself no. Constant battle. Like you said just go back to sober. I shall do that. Hopefully things will work out here. He didn’t say bye to me when he left for work so that’s a wonderful start to a long work day. 😦 Thanks for everything, Claire…❤️

      • clairei47 says:

        Oh long term relationships and marriage are so tricky aren’t they? It’s an uphill battle for us these days!! Xxx

      • Totally. Well he just broke the silence. It’s 5:30pm here. I think everything will be okay. I do think he went OTT however, I have to make it stick this time. I’m determined as hell. Hope you had a good day dear! ❤️

  3. Honey, just start again, and try to forgive yourself.
    I know if I started drinking again, my husband would be angry, and not trust me again.
    Big big hugs!

    • Thank you so much Wendy!! Tonight in just a bit hubby and I are going to watch an episode of Ozark ( our newest Netflix watch ) and have sparkling water and a snack. I’m happy to know although he still may be angry with me, he knows I will give 100% to getting back on track. I’m so glad you commented! Made me smile! 😊❤️

  4. sobrietytree says:

    I’m sorry I’ve been away from here dear friend. Sending you much love and remember as Anne of Green Gables said, every day is a new day with no “mistakes” in it yet. ;)) I have to remember that every day of my life lol!! :)) xoxoxox ❤️

    • No worries at all!! I’m going to remember that quote! Thank you!! ❤️ Things are looking up, today has been a good day! Having a root beer now and hubby and I are going to watch some tv. Love ya, Nadine! Thanks for your comment! I sure hope you are doing well yourself!! ❤️

  5. Jim Simmonds says:

    Hi, just trying to catch up. Like the others say- don’t be hard on yourself. People often drink because it does bring a type of temporary relief and it’s so understandable to reach for that when life is tough. Only reason I got through first few months was that life was pretty stress free for those initial months. You’re an arrow travelling towards your target. You got caught by the wind and went a bit off course, that’s all. Good Luck. X

    • Thank you so much Jim! I love how you said I’m an arrow traveling towards my target! That’s a great way to look at it! I’ve been doing great since that yucky night. It’s crazy how I do so well for so so long and then cave. Ah well, I’m back pointed at my target! Thank you again!! Made my morning!! 😃😊☀️

      • Jim Simmonds says:

        Good, glad it helped. it doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves that what we are doing is bloody hard and runs counter to cultural expectations, so what you are doing IS AMAZING. X

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